The Thing about coping mechanisms

Here’s the thing:

I LOVE coping mechanisms.

I bet you didn’t expect that from a DOCTOR. But it’s true. And for one very simple reason:

For a trauma survivor, a coping mechanism can be the difference between life and death. And that’s not dramatic. When someone has experienced sexual assault, their bodies (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) have experienced a violence they are not structurally created to endure. That means our nervous systems going into a state of overwhelm and, without a way of coping, could mean serious consequences. I have a lot of respect for what got a survivor through, myself included.

That’s not to say that every coping mechanism is built for sustainability. Some are short-term, easy-to-access, providing quick relief. Unfortunately those are always the same ones that introduce other impacts that are often unwanted.

Still, I don’t like to think of coping mechanisms as “good” or “bad”, but rather as a spectrum of choices that meet a variety of needs, and it’s important that we evaluate them in the context of our needs as survivors. Some meet the immediate need of moving someone through a challenging time, but then create additional challenge with long-term use, such as addiction, cancer, and other health issues. Others take time and committed practice before the effects are felt, and so are not so helpful in the immediate moment.

My approach is simple: ADD before you SUBTRACT.

Regardless of our personal opinions on particular coping mechanism, if it’s the only thing supporting a survivor and we try to take it from them, we set them up for failure. And that failure is serious, leading to more damaging choices, possibly even death.

While I’m always open to sharing resources with a survivor, I’m much more excited about helping them build their toolbox of coping mechanisms. We want them to have options firmly in place that are sustainable and supportive of their other recovery goals, before we engage the work of removing something.

The part that makes most people uncomfortable about this is the TIME it takes. It takes time to establish meditation practices, to created a trust relationship with a therapist, to find safety in housing and in our bodies. But it’s worth it. If we can get someone to a place where they feel really supported, the necessity of the damaging coping mechanism starts to fade.

If you want to explore this topic more, including some of my personal stories, listen to WE ARE NOT BROKEN ep. 29: Let’s talk coping mechanisms.

If you’re ready to start your healing journey with someone who’s been there, schedule your free fit check here.

Let’s Talk about traumaversaries

As Bessel Van der Kolk explains, and any trauma survivor can attest, the body keeps the score. The concept of a “traumaversary” comes from this knowing. Irritability, an overall “triggered” feeling in the body, not wanting to be touched, extra fatigue, having accidents, a general feeling of being lost or confused…these are all examples of how one might experience a traumaversary. However, with a little awareness and some easy preparation, navigating a traumaversary doesn’t have to upend your existence.

For those of us who’s trauma happened earlier in life, our minds may have provided extra protection by not storing tangible data about a trauma event(s). This suppression of memories, while a gift, can make it hard to access exact dates that an event happened. This can give traumaversaries an extra element of unwelcome surprise. Adopting mind-body practices, such as breathwork and meditation, can help bring awareness to the body’s expressions of trauma, while paying attention to the patterns over time can help with identifying the when, making it less possible to be caught off-guard.

Tangible steps to take for pinpointing when a traumatic event(s) happened

Note events that seem cyclical, such as repeated car accidents, breakups, interpersonal fights, illnesses, etc. You can also pay attention to when you feel easily overwhelmed, triggered, irritable, anxious, etc and this is different in some way from your day-to-day. If that feeling happens cyclically, such as around holidays when you had to historically be around an abuser for example, it may signify a traumaversary. Having a place, such as a calendar, where you can document these events can help with this discovery process.

Preparing for an upcoming traumaversary

As you anticipate a traumaversary, spending some time preparing can help the experience feel smoother and lower the potential for additional trauma to happen.

Consider:

• Noting the traumaversary on a calendar so you have a visual reminder of it approaching. You may consider putting an extra day on the front and back ends to provide additional padding, giving space for anticipatory feelings and decompression of the experience.

• Finding a way to make space in your schedule during those days. If it’s feasible, taking time off work/school/housework/childcare can be really supportive.

• Preparing a soft place to land. A blanket fort, a bed full of pillows, a retreat in the woods. Your choice: what helps you feel safe and supported?

• Alerting your people to the time on the calendar and asking for their support in allowing space as well as grace.

• Scheduling an additional therapy session for additional support.

For additional exploration, listen to WE ARE NOT BROKEN podcast, episode 27 here.

Looking for more support? Let’s work together! Schedule your complimentary “fit check” today.